Validation in Practice
A Case Study

MR. ALLEN AND HIS WIFE, JOAN: WHEN THE PAST BECOMES PRESENT

The most difficult thing about visiting my wife in the assisted living facility was that she often did not recognize me. I visited her every day, was consumed with trying to care for her, and struggled to get her to recognize where she was and stop her bizarre behavior. So often she would ask me, "How do I get to the plant from here?" Then there were times when she wanted to see her mother and father. I just didn't know what to say. Every time I gently explained that her parents were dead or that she didn't work any more, she would stop talking, close her eyes, and drop her head. She shut me out. So often I would find her walking the hallway as though she were checking the production line. She used to work in a factory and did that kind of thing. When our son came to visit, she didn't recognize him either, or she would talk with him as though she were talking to a friend, her brother, or even her father. He didn't know how to handle that either. It was frustrating to say the least. We didn't want to stop visiting her, but it didn't seem to do any good for anyone.

My son and I were invited to join the facility's family support group and were introduced to Validation. We went every week and after awhile began to see the meaning of what Joan was doing. Her behavior was not so bizarre. It came from a deep need to be useful, to be productive, and to be secure again. The most difficult thing for my son and me was to really accept that Joan was never going to be the woman she was before she became disoriented and to embrace her as she is now. We had to step into her reality and walk alongside her. My son and I learned things about my wife that we never knew. We learned about her life before we got married, her dreams of being a singer and going to New York to pursue it, and, like so many others of our generation, having a war put an end to that dream. Joan went to work in a factory to do her part to "help our boys over there." My son learned how becoming a mother was one of the greatest joys of her life. How his birth and existence in her life changed her in ways that she never dreamed possible. I think my son actually felt closer to his mother than ever before.

For me, learning this way of being with my wife after so many years changed me as well. Like most men, I never talked about feelings, but by accepting her as she is, I found out how much Joan gave up to be with me. She told me that throughout our years together, she saw me as her knight in shining armor, even though I fell from my steed many times. I was able to see the 20-year-old girl I fell in love with, still there in this 86-year-old woman. By traveling with her into the past, I found a way to be with her in the present.

How to React When Your Wife Thinks that It Is 1942

The Situation

Joan has mentally returned to a time when she felt most productive and useful.

The Problem

It can be shocking, disappointing, and hurtful to see your wife in a state of time confusion. We want our loved ones to be like they were. It is difficult to accept the changes that disorientation brings.

A Validation Approach

Step 1: Prepare yourself. Surprise often is the first reaction, followed by sadness, and that is a normal, human response. However, if you want to build a better relationship and communicate with her, then this reaction will not help, so you need to center yourself and put away your own feelings for the moment.

Step 2: Observe your wife carefully. What is she doing? When you match or mirror the facial expression and the breathing, which emotions do you sense in her?

Step 3: Explore your wife's personal reality by asking questions. Your goal should be to find out what is going on and what is important to her at that moment.

Wife: How do I get to the plant from here?

Husband: What do you do at the plant?

Wife: You know, I have to check the line. There's a lot.

Husband: A lot of work. Did you also have a lot of fun?

Wife: Oh my, yes. All my friends are there, and we lunch together. Of course we always think about the boys at the front. We try to do our best for the war effort.

Husband: You always did really good work. What was it like then?

Wife: Oh, we had such a good time. I'd go down the line every morning, and the girls and I would have lunch together in the lunchroom. After work, we'd wave good-bye. "See you tomorrow." You know, we had the best production figures of all. That's 'cause we knew what we were doing and why.

Husband: What was the best thing?

Wife: Feeling a part of something important.

Husband: I know you were. It must have been wonderful. It's time for me to go, but I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Wife: Lovely dear. See you tomorrow.

Try to recognize the underlying need or emotion that your wife is expressing. In this dialogue, the wife is expressing several different things: the need to be productive and the need to be a part of a group of people, and, emotionally, she seems to be expressing pride in her work. It is good to reinforce that feeling by saying something such as, "You do good work," but only if you really say it with honesty. Do not feel as though you have to come to a special or significant ending. When you have to go or you think that her energy is getting lower, then it is time to stop. Try to end the conversation on a positive note if it is possible.

Your wife has gone back to 1942 for a very good reason: that period of her life held feelings that she is missing today. Do not concentrate so much on the time confusion; instead, concentrate on the feelings and needs. Share those with her, and you will find a meeting place where you can enjoy being together.